I got the first serious rejection today. (I'm not trying to draw in negatives by saying first, so that there will be more, but I'm realistic. Everyone says in this situation now it will be damn hard to get a job.) I put in an application for a bigger commercial channel, for a pretty high position. I matched all their requirements, and I even had connections at the company. Just a few days after applying my phone rung and they were glad to tell me I was past the first round with my application. Soon I also had my interview, I thought it went well, though when I answered the HR manager's question about my ideas of a salary, he just pulled his eyebrows together. I know the prices, I didn't overestimate myself, and I added that I'm open for discussion as circumstances, possibilities for promotion or further education, managerial rights and duties, etc. are more important than money. And I really thought so.
But even still I got the letter that I didn't get to the second round. This wasn't good especially because there was also a third round, so I can't even comfort myself by saying "almost". I didn't call Sophie, I didn't have the strength to tell her. She was so hopeful that they will choose me. I would've started next month, so I could've had some time to relax, and we wouldn't have had to touch the reserves as my notice time is still going.
I have to be honest, this is the first time I really got scared. What happens if I don't get a job until the money runs out? We can't live from a single income, even if we pull all strings and belts. What if we won't be able to pay the mortgage on the house? I tried not to show my fear in front of the kids, but obviously they got it that we're in trouble. I said my tooth hurts bad. Even when I started to drink at home. I sent them to their room to play. I didn't want to get all drunk, but hours just passed, and Sophie just wasn't coming. I called her, but she didn't answer. It was well past eight when she got home. She immediately noticed I had been drinking.
- I was rejected -I tried to explain.
I saw that she was shocked by the news but she tried to comfort me:
- It's okay, the next one will do it. Did you take care of the kids?
- Yes - I answered quickly. - Do you want a shot too? - I took the bottle out.
- No, and you shouldn't drink either! It doesn't solve anything.
I answered that I need it to get my calm back.
That's when my younger daughter ran out and in a single sentence she babbled that they haven't had dinner yet and that Daddy has a tooth ache.
We had an epic fight. For the first time since I was fired, we yelled and screamed in front of the kids. She was all about why I lied, I was all about why she got home so late. She told me she was promoted, and I - even though I know I should be happy because this way she will make more money - just said sarcastically that at least this way we will see her even less and I can just stay at home to babysit. For that she got really upset, I was anything but a good boy. I know I was a scum, but it really did bother me that her boss only fought for her promotion as Head of Communications so that they can spend more time together. He has a huge crush on Sophie, and I can't just tell her to leave the place before something bad happens, because then we go bankrupt in a week or two. When she just yelled I shouldn't have gotten myself fired, I got totally upset, because so far I thought at least she was on my side. When I told that to her, all I she said was that we have to quit the life lies. I walked over to the guest room without a word, slammed the door and just dropped on the bed, but I couldn't fall asleep. I sobered up completely and I decided to write down everything. I read it all back and I was ashamed of ourselves even in Sophie's name.
Sophie was truly worn by this fight. She was still talking about it when we met, quite a bit later. She was feeling guilty for going into such a humiliating fight, and to make it worse, did it in front of the kids. As an explanation of her rush of fits she said that when she entered the house and saw a half-drunk Peter, she just got the feeling she's living with a stranger. And this was the first time in the ten years they spent together. She especially hated that she had to deny the joy of her promotion. She told me she could already see how Peter would react, what he would feel, so in the heat of the argument she just decided not to act any longer, her husband will deal with the news however he wants to. She had been hiding it for so long, she didn't care any longer how Peter feels or thinks about it. I agreed with her: she can't just swallow it forever just because her husband is having a bad hair day. She has to release the tension. But not in front of the kids, screaming inarticulate - she answered. She was especially sorry for starting the yells:
I noticed immediately that he's been drinking. He didn't come to give me a kiss, rather he took two steps back. He never drank alone before, he always waited for me and talked me into joining him. Then something has already broken in me. He must have seen it on me because he started to explain things that he got the letter from that channel and he didn't even make it to the second round of interviews. I took a deep breath and acted like it didn't shake me too bad. But it did really affect me bad, but I tried not to show it. When he saw I'm not upset, he tried to drink again, and pull me into it like if everything was okay. And in the meantime he didn't feed the kids, didn't put them to sleep, and he lied to them, saying he's drinking because he has a tooth ache. I hated lies, and I told that to him. I didn't want to yell, but all this made me so upset that I just couldn't contain my anger. If he at least tucked the kids away first, and then he started to drown his sorrow, maybe I would've joined him to quietly complain about fates.
And instead of saying sorry he was feeling higher! He was blaming me for coming home too late. I even let it slip that alas, if he doesn't make any money, I will have to make up for it. So then he just told me that in my contract it says pretty clearly that my hours are nine to five. So I had to admit that it's not like that anymore, because I was promoted. (So much about celebrating with champagne, dinner and some cuddling). I work flexible hours, for a lot more money. And for that all he could say was congratulation, now the kids will see me even less. "But they will see you more - I answered - until now they barely saw you anyways." "Now what do you want me to do? Do you want me to work or rather just stay at home and be a babysitter?" - he riposted. Before I could've answered him, he went on: "I hate how you make traps: make a boat load of money, but be at home a lot. Like if there was such a job! But if you stay in until late night to flirt with your boss for a few more bucks, that's fine, the kids don't need a mother because her majesty is completely fine at her office!”
Looking back I don't even understand why I didn't quit. He was drunk. But I couldn't stop: "So you think all I do is to shake my butt at my job, rather than working hard so we can stay afloat?" - I yelled. "Your boss only appointed you because he wants to screw you, he only wants you to be within reach at all times!" "You have no respect for my work. You didn't even think I may be appreciated for doing a good job? Of course, if a man is promoted, he's doing his job well, but if a woman, they just want to bed her? Eh? You can't even imagine that you can even work at a job, not just flirt around and get yourself fired." "That was under the belt" - he said softly. "I'm sorry, it really was, but so was all that you said before." He suddenly got all emotional: "Understand me, I'm jealous, I don't want to lose you." "Me neither" - I said and I started to hug him. "So far I thought you were on my side, not on those who fired me. But now you're on your boss's side, so my whole envy is all justified." - he threw it at me hating. This was just so stupid I started laughing. "It's time to quit the life lies" - I joked, opening my arms for a hug and preparing to say "I'm always with you, you fool", but he was quicker than me, grunting only a hurt sentence: "I don't want to be your life lie." He slammed the door behind himself. I didn't go after him.
I have to be honest, this is the first time I really got scared. What happens if I don't get a job until the money runs out? We can't live from a single income, even if we pull all strings and belts. What if we won't be able to pay the mortgage on the house? I tried not to show my fear in front of the kids, but obviously they got it that we're in trouble. I said my tooth hurts bad. Even when I started to drink at home. I sent them to their room to play. I didn't want to get all drunk, but hours just passed, and Sophie just wasn't coming. I called her, but she didn't answer. It was well past eight when she got home. She immediately noticed I had been drinking.
- I was rejected -I tried to explain.
I saw that she was shocked by the news but she tried to comfort me:
- It's okay, the next one will do it. Did you take care of the kids?
- Yes - I answered quickly. - Do you want a shot too? - I took the bottle out.
- No, and you shouldn't drink either! It doesn't solve anything.
I answered that I need it to get my calm back.
That's when my younger daughter ran out and in a single sentence she babbled that they haven't had dinner yet and that Daddy has a tooth ache.
We had an epic fight. For the first time since I was fired, we yelled and screamed in front of the kids. She was all about why I lied, I was all about why she got home so late. She told me she was promoted, and I - even though I know I should be happy because this way she will make more money - just said sarcastically that at least this way we will see her even less and I can just stay at home to babysit. For that she got really upset, I was anything but a good boy. I know I was a scum, but it really did bother me that her boss only fought for her promotion as Head of Communications so that they can spend more time together. He has a huge crush on Sophie, and I can't just tell her to leave the place before something bad happens, because then we go bankrupt in a week or two. When she just yelled I shouldn't have gotten myself fired, I got totally upset, because so far I thought at least she was on my side. When I told that to her, all I she said was that we have to quit the life lies. I walked over to the guest room without a word, slammed the door and just dropped on the bed, but I couldn't fall asleep. I sobered up completely and I decided to write down everything. I read it all back and I was ashamed of ourselves even in Sophie's name.
Sophie was truly worn by this fight. She was still talking about it when we met, quite a bit later. She was feeling guilty for going into such a humiliating fight, and to make it worse, did it in front of the kids. As an explanation of her rush of fits she said that when she entered the house and saw a half-drunk Peter, she just got the feeling she's living with a stranger. And this was the first time in the ten years they spent together. She especially hated that she had to deny the joy of her promotion. She told me she could already see how Peter would react, what he would feel, so in the heat of the argument she just decided not to act any longer, her husband will deal with the news however he wants to. She had been hiding it for so long, she didn't care any longer how Peter feels or thinks about it. I agreed with her: she can't just swallow it forever just because her husband is having a bad hair day. She has to release the tension. But not in front of the kids, screaming inarticulate - she answered. She was especially sorry for starting the yells:
I noticed immediately that he's been drinking. He didn't come to give me a kiss, rather he took two steps back. He never drank alone before, he always waited for me and talked me into joining him. Then something has already broken in me. He must have seen it on me because he started to explain things that he got the letter from that channel and he didn't even make it to the second round of interviews. I took a deep breath and acted like it didn't shake me too bad. But it did really affect me bad, but I tried not to show it. When he saw I'm not upset, he tried to drink again, and pull me into it like if everything was okay. And in the meantime he didn't feed the kids, didn't put them to sleep, and he lied to them, saying he's drinking because he has a tooth ache. I hated lies, and I told that to him. I didn't want to yell, but all this made me so upset that I just couldn't contain my anger. If he at least tucked the kids away first, and then he started to drown his sorrow, maybe I would've joined him to quietly complain about fates.
And instead of saying sorry he was feeling higher! He was blaming me for coming home too late. I even let it slip that alas, if he doesn't make any money, I will have to make up for it. So then he just told me that in my contract it says pretty clearly that my hours are nine to five. So I had to admit that it's not like that anymore, because I was promoted. (So much about celebrating with champagne, dinner and some cuddling). I work flexible hours, for a lot more money. And for that all he could say was congratulation, now the kids will see me even less. "But they will see you more - I answered - until now they barely saw you anyways." "Now what do you want me to do? Do you want me to work or rather just stay at home and be a babysitter?" - he riposted. Before I could've answered him, he went on: "I hate how you make traps: make a boat load of money, but be at home a lot. Like if there was such a job! But if you stay in until late night to flirt with your boss for a few more bucks, that's fine, the kids don't need a mother because her majesty is completely fine at her office!”
Looking back I don't even understand why I didn't quit. He was drunk. But I couldn't stop: "So you think all I do is to shake my butt at my job, rather than working hard so we can stay afloat?" - I yelled. "Your boss only appointed you because he wants to screw you, he only wants you to be within reach at all times!" "You have no respect for my work. You didn't even think I may be appreciated for doing a good job? Of course, if a man is promoted, he's doing his job well, but if a woman, they just want to bed her? Eh? You can't even imagine that you can even work at a job, not just flirt around and get yourself fired." "That was under the belt" - he said softly. "I'm sorry, it really was, but so was all that you said before." He suddenly got all emotional: "Understand me, I'm jealous, I don't want to lose you." "Me neither" - I said and I started to hug him. "So far I thought you were on my side, not on those who fired me. But now you're on your boss's side, so my whole envy is all justified." - he threw it at me hating. This was just so stupid I started laughing. "It's time to quit the life lies" - I joked, opening my arms for a hug and preparing to say "I'm always with you, you fool", but he was quicker than me, grunting only a hurt sentence: "I don't want to be your life lie." He slammed the door behind himself. I didn't go after him.
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