I'm jealous of Sophie's success. Finally I dare to say it. I know it sounds bad, but I don't care anymore about the silenced half-truths and the soul-killing lies. Think what you want to, that's the truth. At least I say it. This is the first step. The next one will be to tell her too. I have a hard time handling it, because whilst I have to face rejection from every direction, that no one wants my work, she gets wings. Or maybe she's being flewn? Or being run? Okay, just leave that one. The next step will involve clearing up all that too.
I needed days to finally give birth to all these thoughts. I retired into and live an ascetic life inside the guest bedroom, so there won't even be an accidental little fight, so she won't see that I can't be unconditionally happy about her successes. I just have to get over this crippling feeling so our life can get back on track.
Obviously, being jealous of her success can not be apart from being jealous of my woman. I know she jumped so high on the ladder because her boss wants something from her. I only don't know if he's good with just the body or if he wants her soul too? And I can't talk to Sophie about it, because as soon as I mention it, she snaps.
Obviously, being jealous of her success can not be apart from being jealous of my woman. I know she jumped so high on the ladder because her boss wants something from her. I only don't know if he's good with just the body or if he wants her soul too? And I can't talk to Sophie about it, because as soon as I mention it, she snaps.
No, I don't think that Sophie abuses the situation, nor do I think there's anything between them. I trust Sophie, but not the guy. I'm going crazy from not being able to do anything if fate or if his maneuvers would move them into each other's arms, because we need that damned money Sophie makes, we would croak without that. Even though I would love to just go up to the guy and yell into his face that he can't buy Sophie, because I don't let her, I won't give her.
A line from a novel is in my head: "man doesn't give another man an opportunity; not even from laziness, carelessness or lack of attention." But in our case it's not laziness, but money, and it's wrong. I have a feeling that we sell our relationship because of this damned recession!
*
I wrote all the above in the afternoon. Now it's night. A night of hopelessness. She came home only at eight. I didn't say a word. We talked about neutral things, and about the weekend. And then she mentioned it: she's leaving on Saturday for two days, to some wellness resort where they will do a presentation for the strategic partners. I only asked:
- So they want you to show off around in bikinis? In front of your boss, your colleagues, all those perverts of partners? Let me guess, they are all men! Do you think it's normal? I hope you sent them to Hell?
She said it's embarrassing to her too, but she couldn't say no. If they want new partners in these hard times, they need to do something memorable.
Yup, serving up my naked wife! What a genius!
It wasn't in Peter's blog where I first heard of these "business weekends". I have to say, I don't think these "creative meetings" are so great. Meetings are for offices, maybe for dinner tables. Since it's questionable whether an employee can say no to the offer.
Employee. Many use this term as "be a slave!" We bought you by the pound. Because in today's Hungary, for many corporations that's what employees mean. They ask for unconditional accommodation. Teambuilding in the weekends, get-togethers, psycho-dramas, role-playing games, meetings in the jacuzzi. Doing your job is not enough! Give all of yourself! You can't have a weekend, a private life. Don't have doubts or questions! Throw in everything, seduce the possible partner if the sales graph is not rising well enough. Throw yourself in! Do everything for the company, and believe in it. Your office is the temple where you have to make the due sacrifice for the Greater Brand. If you ask questions, if you have doubts in the latest corporate bible, if you don't trust the visions of the head priests that by 2018 the concurring companies won't even see your backs and you will become the monopoly, you're misbehaving, you're disrupting the ritual. If they notice you don't give yourself so easily, if you stick to individual thoughts, if you don't believe unconditionally, they will fire you. You don't belong with us if you don't worship the Greater Brand, you're not "brandy"! They will excommunicate you and in a moment they will escort you out of the temple. They will erase your name from the list of brand-believers, and write you up in the book of enemies instead. It will all happen so fast, that even after months you mistake the pronouns: our brand... at our company... we invented... we wrote it too... we built that house. You realize, cough quickly and disturbed, and correct yourself: they built it, they wrote it, they showed that movie.
Whilst you're a good follower, instead of ME, HE, YOU, it's US. If your loyalty is not self-surrender, in moments YOU will be out, outside of THEM, where you can be ME again, though without money. Trap.
How much of yourself do you give to the company?
A line from a novel is in my head: "man doesn't give another man an opportunity; not even from laziness, carelessness or lack of attention." But in our case it's not laziness, but money, and it's wrong. I have a feeling that we sell our relationship because of this damned recession!
*
I wrote all the above in the afternoon. Now it's night. A night of hopelessness. She came home only at eight. I didn't say a word. We talked about neutral things, and about the weekend. And then she mentioned it: she's leaving on Saturday for two days, to some wellness resort where they will do a presentation for the strategic partners. I only asked:
- So they want you to show off around in bikinis? In front of your boss, your colleagues, all those perverts of partners? Let me guess, they are all men! Do you think it's normal? I hope you sent them to Hell?
She said it's embarrassing to her too, but she couldn't say no. If they want new partners in these hard times, they need to do something memorable.
Yup, serving up my naked wife! What a genius!
It wasn't in Peter's blog where I first heard of these "business weekends". I have to say, I don't think these "creative meetings" are so great. Meetings are for offices, maybe for dinner tables. Since it's questionable whether an employee can say no to the offer.
Employee. Many use this term as "be a slave!" We bought you by the pound. Because in today's Hungary, for many corporations that's what employees mean. They ask for unconditional accommodation. Teambuilding in the weekends, get-togethers, psycho-dramas, role-playing games, meetings in the jacuzzi. Doing your job is not enough! Give all of yourself! You can't have a weekend, a private life. Don't have doubts or questions! Throw in everything, seduce the possible partner if the sales graph is not rising well enough. Throw yourself in! Do everything for the company, and believe in it. Your office is the temple where you have to make the due sacrifice for the Greater Brand. If you ask questions, if you have doubts in the latest corporate bible, if you don't trust the visions of the head priests that by 2018 the concurring companies won't even see your backs and you will become the monopoly, you're misbehaving, you're disrupting the ritual. If they notice you don't give yourself so easily, if you stick to individual thoughts, if you don't believe unconditionally, they will fire you. You don't belong with us if you don't worship the Greater Brand, you're not "brandy"! They will excommunicate you and in a moment they will escort you out of the temple. They will erase your name from the list of brand-believers, and write you up in the book of enemies instead. It will all happen so fast, that even after months you mistake the pronouns: our brand... at our company... we invented... we wrote it too... we built that house. You realize, cough quickly and disturbed, and correct yourself: they built it, they wrote it, they showed that movie.
Whilst you're a good follower, instead of ME, HE, YOU, it's US. If your loyalty is not self-surrender, in moments YOU will be out, outside of THEM, where you can be ME again, though without money. Trap.
How much of yourself do you give to the company?
The ramblings of my first love, Sophie, about jealousy:
"I got caught between crossfire, I have to accommodate to the standards of my company and my husband. I can't say no to the weekend trip, because the ink hasn't quite even dried on my promotion yet, and they do really need me for the meetings. However, I'm also a married woman, they can't expect me to act as a hostess. I didn't even think of this whole bikini thing until Peter pointed that question at me. Afterwards it did shine up that John mentioned something that if we can't win them over at the presentation, we can work on them during the evening relaxation.
For one thing, Peter's stances absolutely upset me, but on the other side I can completely understand him. Do they really expect me to slip into my little bathing suit and splash around together in the pool? Is it my duty to do so? On the other hand, why does Peter think that if I go to the wellness center with my colleagues for the weekend it automatically means I want to sleep with them? I guess Peter doesn't even think with one, but all of them whilst I'm there... Why doesn't he trust me? Why did his jealousy become unbearable, whilst he's emailing with fifty other women? If I ask anything, he just yells it's business mailing, and attacks me for digging into his mail. But I don't dig, it's only the computer being shared, and he always keeps his inbox open. And what's seen can not be unseen.
I know he's in a really rough place now, so again it will be me compromising, even though I can bear the cheap little compromises less and less. How long do I have to bear? Will it ever be better at all?"
"I got caught between crossfire, I have to accommodate to the standards of my company and my husband. I can't say no to the weekend trip, because the ink hasn't quite even dried on my promotion yet, and they do really need me for the meetings. However, I'm also a married woman, they can't expect me to act as a hostess. I didn't even think of this whole bikini thing until Peter pointed that question at me. Afterwards it did shine up that John mentioned something that if we can't win them over at the presentation, we can work on them during the evening relaxation.
For one thing, Peter's stances absolutely upset me, but on the other side I can completely understand him. Do they really expect me to slip into my little bathing suit and splash around together in the pool? Is it my duty to do so? On the other hand, why does Peter think that if I go to the wellness center with my colleagues for the weekend it automatically means I want to sleep with them? I guess Peter doesn't even think with one, but all of them whilst I'm there... Why doesn't he trust me? Why did his jealousy become unbearable, whilst he's emailing with fifty other women? If I ask anything, he just yells it's business mailing, and attacks me for digging into his mail. But I don't dig, it's only the computer being shared, and he always keeps his inbox open. And what's seen can not be unseen.
I know he's in a really rough place now, so again it will be me compromising, even though I can bear the cheap little compromises less and less. How long do I have to bear? Will it ever be better at all?"
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