Dangers, Liaisons

We open a few doors in each other, but the ones deep down will always remain locked

She didn't come to the Mátra, but we talked over the phone for hours. Finally I gave up my stances and came home a day early so I can meet her in person.
She wore black clothes, mourning. Suffering made her even more beautiful, her eyes were broken, but still emitting some sort of magic, some special force. I can't help it: I can't resist suffering women. Then I can tune to their frequency without any burdens, I can take in their femininity fully. As a writer, that's how I feed. The sexes unite in me, I become androgynous, then I separate the personalities in me and start to write their story.
With Sophie, at the beginning our love, we tuned up to each other easily, we were wide open for each other, maybe actually that was the problem, that we opened up too much, we had no secrets left. Then years have passed, we have both changed, we kept our secrets more carefully. The crisis in Sophie's family life was what brought us together again. I can feel her and she can feel me too. We open a few doors, but we don't make the same mistake: the ones deep down remain locked.
I notice I get more and more under her spell whilst I know she wants me to convince her to give another chance to her husband.
The story of us three changes directions though. I ask her, how many times did she forgive in the last months. How many last chances did they have?
- You're right – she says -, but he's still my husband.
- Who ruins your life.
- I don't know what to do – she shakes her head.
I would know it, but I can't tell it. I take her hand. I feel strong, I feel whole again.
- In there, where I can't see down, what do you feel there?
Her skin literally heats up under my touch.
- You know, that's the big thing, that I don't know myself either. I'm too afraid to open that door.
- Because you may find something else than what you want?
She doesn't answer me. I try again and again to open that door, but she won't.
Upon our goodbye - again the odd move - I kiss her. She returns it, but there's no fire in it.

On the third day, the phone rung. THAT phone. Seemingly the saying about the piper and hell is true. I went there and back. Sophie left me, took the kids with her. A horrible whirlpool took me in, carrying me deeper and deeper. I tried to fight, but it wouldn't let me go. When I had no idea where is up or down, deah or life, I was floating halfway between the two. Then I slowly started to drift towards the latter, but then I saw the kids, and I saw Sophie. I had to get them back.

I stayed.
Existence hurt. My body and my soul fell to pieces, but suffering still let me know: I'm still alive. The whirlpool still called, but I could already say no. I got stronger by the hour, and that filled me with confidence. I still didn't call Sophie. First I wanted to prove myself. I started running again, and I even pulled the dumbbells out. I decided I will lose all excess weight, I will train myself to be hard.
On the second day of my new life I took out my phone book and starting at A I systematically called all my acquaintances. The ice finally broke by D, he said he heard of some new TV channel starting the other day, he will recommend me.
The next day I already got the call:
- Would I like to...?
I didn't even listen to the whole sentence, I said yes. It's a thematical channel, the editor-in-chief is M. I have known her for quite a while, we always got along well. I didn't even ask about money or positions, it's all the same, I have to take it anyways, no other choice. That's the only way I can regain my family.
I called Sophie, but she didn't pick up. I texted her my apologies, but she didn't answer. I finally wrote her an email, telling everything. Then she asked for some time, and I asked her to meet me. I could've touched the sky when she said yes.
When I saw her, I couldn't understand how could I have let her go. She was beautiful beyond words, and I looked at her just the same as ten years ago, when I first saw her.
I have to repair everything - that's what I kept saying, so I will believe I can do it, I'll be able to. I can't lose her.

I tried to stay cool, but he surrounded me with such a genuine attention that I slowly melted up and let him court me. After all he is my husband, from him I can take it without guilt. Still my conscience was screaming, I felt I was two-faced. I think, if I didn't have children, this would be the moment when I packed up and moved a thousand miles away. But I do have them, and they ask me every day when their dad will get better. It's only for them that I declare him healed. They move home. As they jump on him and climb on his neck, all my bad feelings vanish. I think I got home, too.