The rejections are coming right in: "Thank you for applying, but this time you were not chosen." "You did not get chosen for the second round of interviews. Thank you for your interest, please keep watching our job bulletin and apply again if any positions interesting you should open." At least they would say something tangible: your language skills are not enough, not ambitious enough, not young enough, too fat, your gaze is too strict. You are too aggressive, or instead, too undecided. Over-educated, or under-educated, or even both. Whatever, but say something, so I can realize I need to pick up on English, I'll become ambitious and young, I drop off a few pounds, and in front of the mirror I will practice a mild but reassuringly firm gaze.
And still, not these rejection letters are the worst, but silence. Over half of the applications get absolutely no answer. Not even something as small as we got it, thanks. We don't want you. It's not you we meant. But nothing. Justt keep bugging yourself, why there's no reaction. Because the advertisement was just bluff, the candidate was chosen long ago, they only posted it for the formalities? So many applicants, their servers can't keep up with sending out the automated we-got-it-will-contact answer? Are they just getting a thrill? The HR manager is testing how many people would apply for a given job so they can threaten the current employee with the data? If you don't work efficient enough, not to mention fast and cheap too, if you don't really want to spend all your Sundays with work too, you may as well know that 4542 people are currently applying for your job. Out of which 2125 would be perfectly suitable to replace you, 742 would do it for half of your salary even. So, what is exactly the matter with the weekend overtime shifts?
I wouldn't even be surprised about that. At least it would give a reason for the skipped answers: after all, they can't just write "thank you for being a cool little... incentive tool in our hands, but our raging colleague has quickly leaned to appreciate what he has, calmed down and now he's working like a miracle. Thank you for your help, we will contact you whenever we need you again to discipline someone. Especially that then you will give an even lower estimate, being really hungry."
And I am starting to get hungry. I hate that we don't have any money, I hate that Sophie supports me.
Peter didn't mention the previous fight, but Sophie couldn't get over it. Peter went all out in the job hunt and acted as if he didn't notice the change in their relationship. The jealousy scenes started to get more few and far between. From Sophie I know that he didn't quit drinking completely, he waited until everyone went to bed and then he started to have his beers. He said his brain works better at night, so he moved in to the guest room. He moved in the computer and the TV set from the kitchen, and Sophie remained all alone in the bedroom:
We are getting further on the speed of light, and I can't reverse the whole progress. On the morning after the fight he didn't even come out as long as I was at home. He never called me throughout the day either. In the evening I went home with my stomach being smaller than a pinhead, I was so scared what I would find at home. I decided that if he's drunk again, I won't say a word just pack up the kids and go. But he wasn't drinking, he just acted as if nothing has happened. He was even a lot more bearable than before. He wasn't whining or blaming others or me, he wasn't even being jealous. He was cold and proper. He asked me what happened at work. I was scared, but I mentioned a few meaningless little things (geez, will I have to be scared forever if word turns to my job?). I was waiting for the explosion, but he didn't even pay attention. He told me how many places he applied at that day. I praised him for it, but it still didn't break the ice. I knew that if I don't mention the fight, that we parted with anger, something will go irreparably wrong. Before we always talked it over, after each standoff we kept analyzing each other and our behavior until we finally just laughed at it. We parodied each other, the whole situation, and we ended up in bed. But now I just didn't have the willpower to break the seemingly-peace, I rather just held my peace. Come night he said he still wants to work, so he slept in the guest bedroom again. I was curled up on our bed and wept soundlessly.
The seemingly-peace stabilized for days. Of course I did see the bottles hid in the garage, but I respected that he didn't drink in front of the kids, so I didn't say anything. I decided to give him some time to pull himself together. And to myself so I will dare to tell him where I'm going next weekend.
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