Cooling Bedroom

Everything has a price. The seemingly-peace too.

The rejections are coming right in: "Thank you for applying, but this time you were not chosen." "You did not get chosen for the second round of interviews. Thank you for your interest, please keep watching our job bulletin and apply again if any positions interesting you should open." At least they would say something tangible: your language skills are not enough, not ambitious enough, not young enough, too fat, your gaze is too strict. You are too aggressive, or instead, too undecided. Over-educated, or under-educated, or even both. Whatever, but say something, so I can realize I need to pick up on English, I'll become ambitious and young, I drop off a few pounds, and in front of the mirror I will practice a mild but reassuringly firm gaze.
And still, not these rejection letters are the worst, but silence. Over half of the applications get absolutely no answer. Not even something as small as we got it, thanks. We don't want you. It's not you we meant. But nothing. Justt keep bugging yourself, why there's no reaction. Because the advertisement was just bluff, the candidate was chosen long ago, they only posted it for the formalities? So many applicants, their servers can't keep up with sending out the automated we-got-it-will-contact answer? Are they just getting a thrill? The HR manager is testing how many people would apply for a given job so they can threaten the current employee with the data? If you don't work efficient enough, not to mention fast and cheap too, if you don't really want to spend all your Sundays with work too, you may as well know that 4542 people are currently applying for your job. Out of which 2125 would be perfectly suitable to replace you, 742 would do it for half of your salary even. So, what is exactly the matter with the weekend overtime shifts?
I wouldn't even be surprised about that. At least it would give a reason for the skipped answers: after all, they can't just write "thank you for being a cool little... incentive tool in our hands, but our raging colleague has quickly leaned to appreciate what he has, calmed down and now he's working like a miracle. Thank you for your help, we will contact you whenever we need you again to discipline someone. Especially that then you will give an even lower estimate, being really hungry."
And I am starting to get hungry. I hate that we don't have any money, I hate that Sophie supports me.

Peter didn't mention the previous fight, but Sophie couldn't get over it. Peter went all out in the job hunt and acted as if he didn't notice the change in their relationship. The jealousy scenes started to get more few and far between. From Sophie I know that he didn't quit drinking completely, he waited until everyone went to bed and then he started to have his beers. He said his brain works better at night, so he moved in to the guest room. He moved in the computer and the TV set from the kitchen, and Sophie remained all alone in the bedroom:

We are getting further on the speed of light, and I can't reverse the whole progress. On the morning after the fight he didn't even come out as long as I was at home. He never called me throughout the day either. In the evening I went home with my stomach being smaller than a pinhead, I was so scared what I would find at home. I decided that if he's drunk again, I won't say a word just pack up the kids and go. But he wasn't drinking, he just acted as if nothing has happened. He was even a lot more bearable than before. He wasn't whining or blaming others or me, he wasn't even being jealous. He was cold and proper. He asked me what happened at work. I was scared, but I mentioned a few meaningless little things (geez, will I have to be scared forever if word turns to my job?). I was waiting for the explosion, but he didn't even pay attention. He told me how many places he applied at that day. I praised him for it, but it still didn't break the ice. I knew that if I don't mention the fight, that we parted with anger, something will go irreparably wrong. Before we always talked it over, after each standoff we kept analyzing each other and our behavior until we finally just laughed at it. We parodied each other, the whole situation, and we ended up in bed. But now I just didn't have the willpower to break the seemingly-peace, I rather just held my peace. Come night he said he still wants to work, so he slept in the guest bedroom again. I was curled up on our bed and wept soundlessly.
The seemingly-peace stabilized for days. Of course I did see the bottles hid in the garage, but I respected that he didn't drink in front of the kids, so I didn't say anything. I decided to give him some time to pull himself together. And to myself so I will dare to tell him where I'm going next weekend.

I Don't Want To Be Your Life Lie

If a man is promoted, he does his job well, but if a woman, they just want to bed her?

I got the first serious rejection today. (I'm not trying to draw in negatives by saying first, so that there will be more, but I'm realistic. Everyone says in this situation now it will be damn hard to get a job.) I put in an application for a bigger commercial channel, for a pretty high position. I matched all their requirements, and I even had connections at the company. Just a few days after applying my phone rung and they were glad to tell me I was past the first round with my application. Soon I also had my interview, I thought it went well, though when I answered the HR manager's question about my ideas of a salary, he just pulled his eyebrows together. I know the prices, I didn't overestimate myself, and I added that I'm open for discussion as circumstances, possibilities for promotion or further education, managerial rights and duties, etc. are more important than money. And I really thought so.

But even still I got the letter that I didn't get to the second round. This wasn't good especially because there was also a third round, so I can't even comfort myself by saying "almost". I didn't call Sophie, I didn't have the strength to tell her. She was so hopeful that they will choose me. I would've started next month, so I could've had some time to relax, and we wouldn't have had to touch the reserves as my notice time is still going.
I have to be honest, this is the first time I really got scared. What happens if I don't get a job until the money runs out? We can't live from a single income, even if we pull all strings and belts. What if we won't be able to pay the mortgage on the house? I tried not to show my fear in front of the kids, but obviously they got it that we're in trouble. I said my tooth hurts bad. Even when I started to drink at home. I sent them to their room to play. I didn't want to get all drunk, but hours just passed, and Sophie just wasn't coming. I called her, but she didn't answer. It was well past eight when she got home. She immediately noticed I had been drinking.
- I was rejected -I tried to explain.
I saw that she was shocked by the news but she tried to comfort me:
- It's okay, the next one will do it. Did you take care of the kids?
- Yes - I answered quickly. - Do you want a shot too? - I took the bottle out.
- No, and you shouldn't drink either! It doesn't solve anything.
I answered that I need it to get my calm back.
That's when my younger daughter ran out and in a single sentence she babbled that they haven't had dinner yet and that Daddy has a tooth ache.
We had an epic fight. For the first time since I was fired, we yelled and screamed in front of the kids. She was all about why I lied, I was all about why she got home so late. She told me she was promoted, and I - even though I know I should be happy because this way she will make more money - just said sarcastically that at least this way we will see her even less and I can just stay at home to babysit. For that she got really upset, I was anything but a good boy. I know I was a scum, but it really did bother me that her boss only fought for her promotion as Head of Communications so that they can spend more time together. He has a huge crush on Sophie, and I can't just tell her to leave the place before something bad happens, because then we go bankrupt in a week or two. When she just yelled I shouldn't have gotten myself fired, I got totally upset, because so far I thought at least she was on my side. When I told that to her, all I she said was that we have to quit the life lies. I walked over to the guest room without a word, slammed the door and just dropped on the bed, but I couldn't fall asleep. I sobered up completely and I decided to write down everything. I read it all back and I was ashamed of ourselves even in Sophie's name.

Sophie was truly worn by this fight. She was still talking about it when we met, quite a bit later. She was feeling guilty for going into such a humiliating fight, and to make it worse, did it in front of the kids. As an explanation of her rush of fits she said that when she entered the house and saw a half-drunk Peter, she just got the feeling she's living with a stranger. And this was the first time in the ten years they spent together. She especially hated that she had to deny the joy of her promotion. She told me she could already see how Peter would react, what he would feel, so in the heat of the argument she just decided not to act any longer, her husband will deal with the news however he wants to. She had been hiding it for so long, she didn't care any longer how Peter feels or thinks about it. I agreed with her: she can't just swallow it forever just because her husband is having a bad hair day. She has to release the tension. But not in front of the kids, screaming inarticulate - she answered. She was especially sorry for starting the yells:

I noticed immediately that he's been drinking. He didn't come to give me a kiss, rather he took two steps back. He never drank alone before, he always waited for me and talked me into joining him. Then something has already broken in me. He must have seen it on me because he started to explain things that he got the letter from that channel and he didn't even make it to the second round of interviews. I took a deep breath and acted like it didn't shake me too bad. But it did really affect me bad, but I tried not to show it. When he saw I'm not upset, he tried to drink again, and pull me into it like if everything was okay. And in the meantime he didn't feed the kids, didn't put them to sleep, and he lied to them, saying he's drinking because he has a tooth ache. I hated lies, and I told that to him. I didn't want to yell, but all this made me so upset that I just couldn't contain my anger. If he at least tucked the kids away first, and then he started to drown his sorrow, maybe I would've joined him to quietly complain about fates.
And instead of saying sorry he was feeling higher! He was blaming me for coming home too late. I even let it slip that alas, if he doesn't make any money, I will have to make up for it. So then he just told me that in my contract it says pretty clearly that my hours are nine to five. So I had to admit that it's not like that anymore, because I was promoted. (So much about celebrating with champagne, dinner and some cuddling). I work flexible hours, for a lot more money. And for that all he could say was congratulation, now the kids will see me even less. "But they will see you more - I answered - until now they barely saw you anyways." "Now what do you want me to do? Do you want me to work or rather just stay at home and be a babysitter?" - he riposted. Before I could've answered him, he went on: "I hate how you make traps: make a boat load of money, but be at home a lot. Like if there was such a job! But if you stay in until late night to flirt with your boss for a few more bucks, that's fine, the kids don't need a mother because her majesty is completely fine at her office!”
Looking back I don't even understand why I didn't quit. He was drunk. But I couldn't stop: "So you think all I do is to shake my butt at my job, rather than working hard so we can stay afloat?" - I yelled. "Your boss only appointed you because he wants to screw you, he only wants you to be within reach at all times!" "You have no respect for my work. You didn't even think I may be appreciated for doing a good job? Of course, if a man is promoted, he's doing his job well, but if a woman, they just want to bed her? Eh? You can't even imagine that you can even work at a job, not just flirt around and get yourself fired." "That was under the belt" - he said softly. "I'm sorry, it really was, but so was all that you said before." He suddenly got all emotional: "Understand me, I'm jealous, I don't want to lose you." "Me neither" - I said and I started to hug him. "So far I thought you were on my side, not on those who fired me. But now you're on your boss's side, so my whole envy is all justified." - he threw it at me hating. This was just so stupid I started laughing. "It's time to quit the life lies" - I joked, opening my arms for a hug and preparing to say "I'm always with you, you fool", but he was quicker than me, grunting only a hurt sentence: "I don't want to be your life lie." He slammed the door behind himself. I didn't go after him.